24 October 1985
It must be something when you love a guy like mad at one time and then it is gone when you find that he doesn’t love you, not that way, and you like him for what he is and then that liking turns into another kind of love – a kind that seems to last without any memories of the hurt that the other had left.
It must be something.
Some people have a knack of saying things.
I read these words in 1985 in a book by Harold Robbins and have tried a short story about these sentiments.
. oOo .
IT MUST BE SOMETHING
IT MUST BE SOMETHING
The internet has a lot to answer for. Being alone for the first time since I was in my early 20’s and working in a very stressful job, I relieved the tension by playing on-line games in the evenings. I made many internet friends but was aware of warnings not to get too involved as it was impossible to know exactly who they were.
In 2008/9 there was a game where you ‘bought’ the photograph of someone but could sell it at a profit to give you more money to buy more and add to your capital, not only of the number of photos you owned, but the capital value of your assets.
Not all photos were of a person, some were beautiful views and some, or should I say one in particular was of Thomas the Tank Engine.
Now I had spent hours reading to my young grandson and his favourite books were the Thomas series. When I saw this photo of Thomas on my game I simply could not resist buying it. I expected to lose it, of course, but every time I bought it back. It wasn’t until a certain person repeatedly bought it from me that I began to wonder what Thomas ‘idiot’ it might be.
The price became so high that I was running out of capital to buy other photos but I really wanted to keep Thomas. However, there were only the two of us bidding for Thomas so in the end I sent a message to say that I was happy for him to keep it.
Well, the message that came back said that, really I should have the photo as I had it in the beginning.
Ummm, that put me in a quandary because if I bought it back I would have no capital and could not continue playing. These games can get so serious, almost lifelike.
What to do? I took it back and was virtually bankrupt but the messages kept coming and I had great fun talking to this guy. I’m not sure who suggested we have a meet, but I was quite happy to do so. Oh boy, was he gorgeous, not my normal type but so much fun, and not at all pushy, but I knew …….. I wanted more of him.
We talked loads over the following two weeks and arranged another meet. It felt like I had known him for years, I was so comfortable with him and when we finally kissed goodnight, our first kiss, I just melted. Some guys I have kissed just left me cold, but this one was different, he kissed exactly how I liked to be kissed and I responded to him. I’m sure he felt as I did because he broke away and drove off at speed, hand waving out of the car window.
He was considerably younger than me so I was wary of my feelings and of his but when I asked him if my age worried him, he said he hadn’t even considered it.
What can I say, one thing led to another and we enjoyed a full relationship, always lots of fun and laughter and lots of tender feelings, just like the ones you would feel in a marriage.
Then the penny dropped. He was married. He had mentioned that there were ‘people’ in his life and I was aware he had grown up children but not that there was a wife still on the scene until one day he said something that made me wonder. So I asked.
I immediately broke up with him, deleted his phone number and took him off my game page. I was devastated. I loved what I had with this guy but could not have his wife and family on my conscience.
I was so unhappy, I cried, I hated myself for not having asked and clarified the position earlier and for what we had done. I felt so cold inside, but I knew by then that this guy was in my heart and I really loved him, but I knew I would never tell him that now.
Time past, I began going back on the internet to play games, this time on my own, not the interactive ones. One day I noticed that he was on ‘chat’. I was mesmerised by his name up on my screen but I continued with my game and ignored him. The following evening he was there again, and a couple of days later. I couldn’t bear it. I had to talk with him and asked if he wanted to chat.
The conversation was very guarded, but we had brief chats for a few weeks and during this time my heart was bursting, my arms wanted to hold him, my lips to kiss his. My body was telling me I needed him in my life. I knew he could never be mine but I wanted him as a friend, I knew I could talk to him if I had a problem and he would help me, I knew he would come visit me and to be honest, so long as I could keep my feelings under control, I would be happy with a different type of relationship with him.
Difficult, yes it was. We had used text a lot to keep in touch as this avoided any difficult situation with close contact, but four years down the line my heart leapt when I was chatting to him late one evening. The words he said tore me in two.
‘I know you love me, you have loved me from the start, and I know we agreed never to say those words, but I want you to know that I love you, too.’
The tears ran from my eyes and I had to wipe them on my sleeve. I knew what it had cost him to say that.
That was five months ago, since then there have been a few difficult texts, not saying or repeating what he had said that night but I know now how he feels and I know he wont ever again put his marriage in jeopardy, and I wouldn’t let him, but our love is different now, and we have respect for each other’s position. I know he doesn’t want to hurt me, nor I him, but I feel this is his way of saying goodbye.
I’m certain that in time our friendship will just fade away, the texts and contact are already dwindling, but I am happy to be in his heart, to have him in mine and to have such vivid, happy and fulfilling memories of our times together.
Nobody has ever known or will ever know of our friendship, and that is the way it must be.
So, thank you Thomas for bringing us together, without you we would never have met and shared our love.
– oOo –
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Go to End of a Romance
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